I've always felt like something was wasnt quite .... Right with me. I never really felt "normal".. i always felt sort of outcasted whether it at home, school, or just around people in general. I never really felt like i fit in .. It's not a problem some days because ive grown to enjoy not having to feel like the odd man out .. but there are days where I'd like to feel like I'm a part of something .. Like i.... belong, in a sense .. Didnt really have many outlets or people i felt i could explain how I felt growing up so i kept to myself a lot and sometimes did really dumb, destructive things. I have a bad temper that for the most part i do okay at controlling but sometimes i slip and have violent outbursts that push people away. Certain things have happened in my life that make me very wary of people and letting them into my space. Whether it's sexual assault, domestic violence, death, bad friendships/relationships, or just people using my life as a revolving door, ive kinda put up walls to block people out so they dont get too close or do too much damage. Sometimes they slip through the cracks and things get really bad. Good things happen too, dont get me wrong, but the bad is what seems to stick. I try to stay optimistic because at the end of the day ive "survived" a lot. But at the same time, what good is surviving when you dont even feel alive anymore? In just the past 7 years alone ive "survived" being accosted on my way home just because im petite female travelling alone at night, being raped by a boyfriends friend, attempting suicide by ODing on pain killers, domestic abuse via my daughters dad, various anxiety attacks, another attempted suicide by mixing vodka and vicodin, self medicating w narcs and sedatives, on top of thoughts of just walking into traffic because life was just getting to be too much .. After all of that i still dont feel like im supposed to be here. More like im forced to be here because people are depending on me and I'd feel like shit if i let them down. So like im here for everyone's benefit except my own.
Fast forward to October of 2014 .. Thats when i met my conscience/guardian angel/therapist/best friend. He's done/been there more for me in 7 months than people ive known my entire life. Something about him made me comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open and honest with him at both my lowest and highest points and for no reason other than him just being a genuinely awesome person. he was always there for me. No matter what was going on he was there whether it was with words of encouragement or with prayer. For once i felt like someone was in my corner and not just for their own benefit but because they really and truly cared. He was always honest and up front with me but never judgmental and i think thats what i needed the most. Its crazy because when i met him i wasnt really thinking that he or anyone else would ever be such a necessary part of my life but i can almost guarantee that if not for him i wouldnt be here right now .. He's who convinced me to get therapy which i did but stopped going to because they just didnt seem as genuine as he did when i spoke to him. I could almost tell by their tone that they were only in it for the money and not because they honestly wanted to help. He's also who convinced me to see a psychiatrist and get the medical help i need.
Fast forward again to April of this year(2015). I was supposed to go to a party w a friend and sleep over her house but she fell asleep before it was time to go out so i stayed in .. Around 6am i woke up to someone trying to break into my house from the back patio .. I called the police and they came and checked out the house and said they didnt see anyone .. For the rest of the day i was awake and paranoid, jumping at the slightest noise and didnt sleep that night. The next morning i was jittery and anxious and just knew i was gonna have another anxiety attack so i found a psychiatrist and went to set up an appointment.. The anxiety attack i had been fighting off from the day before hit me and hard.. The doctor set me up with an appointment for two weeks and gave me a number to call in case i had another anxiety attack after i home. I ended up having another and went to the ER where they gave me something until my appointment.
Fast forward to last Thursday (5.14.15). I finally got to see a doctor. After speaking with them, it was found out that not only do i suffer from anxiety and depression, but also OCD, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. They started me on medication to help me deal with all of that but so far all they've done are make me a tired, even more depressed, zombie. 5 days in and im still weak, can barely eat, stomach always upset, drained, dehydrated, and feel like a shell of myself. My aunt said that they take 3 weeks to work but in the meantime im gonna feel like this and then afterwards if i come off of my meds I'll probably go crazy and hurt myself or someone else so i have much to look forward to. Needing medication to feel "normal" sucks, but needing them and not getting them is worse so i guess lose some, lose some? .. Im not in the most pleasant of moods .. Shocked that i can even feel a mood w these meds to be honest. For the most part i just feel blah, angry, or depressed and want to cry but cant. Hopefully something will change or happen soon so i can feel happy if only for a little while.
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