Captains Log 5/31/2015

So this is what ive learned so far about this medication. The anti depressants do work which is great. The anti anxiety meds do work which is great as well. The meds for OCD and schizophrenia dont work too well lol. If i miss a dose i go into a sort of "hyperactive" mode where im a bit reckless and non filtered as well as i have strange dreams and see things like bugs and passing people that aren't there. I also have really strong deja vu that feels scarily real to where i cant tell if its a dream or something that actually happened or is happening because it feels so much like reality. The only thing thats different are really small things that wouldnt normally be noticeable like my grandmother walking and talking; both of which she hasnt been able to do since october of lst year. I think when it happens the anti anxiety meds kinda kick into overdrive because i dont get panicky about it or anything i just feel really creeped out and cant really do anything about it. For the most part i feel like the medication is helping a lot i just I guess have to get used to the deja vu, dreams, and hyperactive fits. I also have to stick to my schedule and not miss doses. It helps alot that the pills are small, virtually tasteless, and easy to swallow. It doesn't help that since taking them my tastebuds feel kinda worn out and are really sensitive as well as the constant dry mouth and weird taste left in the morning after taking the night time meds. 

Captains Log 5/23/15

So today was actually a decent day .. Got outta bed and did laundry and baked .. Didn't feel tired all day like usual which is a good thing i suppose .. More energy today and i actually wanted to be around people for a change .. Might do so this weekend if i find a ride .. A lot of nervous energy and idk what to do with it so i feel kinda jittery/skittish .. No real appetite but hopefully it comes back soon ..

Captains Log 5/22/15

Day 8 .. Not feeling too bad today .. Still getting used to the constant sleepiness .. My appetite is back and my stomach isn't turning anymore .. Gotta try to incorporate me leaving the house to see if being around people helps my mood but i have to be careful because Miami is hot and one of these meds advises against being in the sun for fear of heat stroke .. I've REALLY been sorta craving hard liquor .. Not supposed to drink on these meds but i also been restless since i stopped drinking two weeks ago .. Might quench that craving this weekend idk yet .. Gonna go sleep off these meds and try to find something for dinner later

Captains Log 5/21/15

Today is day 7 of taking these meds to be "normal" .. I feel like absolute shit today. Nauseous, tired, weak, dehydrated, in pain, you name it .. Couldn't go to work today because i guess i over did it yesterday and my body is too weak for me to even get outta bed .. I've been in and outta sleep all day and i just feel like death .. Been feeling like I'm gonna cry for the past week and i cant so i just feel down without actually crying .. I need a hug but i feel if i got one i would probably break .. Like literally fall apart .. Thinking about canceling my weekend plans because A. No transportation and B. No energy .. I need more outlets and people who are willing to attempt to understand me because right now everyone is too busy as well as i don't like feeling like I'm annoying or pestering someone when i want/need to vent .. Having to take all these medications to function like everyone else feels like crap but it's crap i have to do so taylor has a chance to actually BE normal instead of having to fight for it .. Hoping something changes for the better sooner rather than later...

Captains Log 5/20/15

Okay so .. Today is day 6 .. Didn't feel as weak or tired today although at one point i did start zoning out at work .. Like literally blanking out and forgetting what i was doing .. I actually felt okay enough to go to work which i think was good for me .. But now I'm home and I'm drained and everything hurts .. Taylor is up so i cant take anything to make me sleep just yet .. I don't feel jittery but i do think either these antidepressants don't work or I'm defective because my depression levels have gone up instead of down .. Probably why I'm on two of them .. I don't feel weepy or anything more like "why am i here" .. I just feel blah .. Tired and wanna sleep and not wake up for a long time .. Might have to trick taylor into taking a nap because i need sleep

Captains Log 5/19/15

So ive decided to write a sort of diary documenting what my daily life has been like dealing with mental health issues. I'll probably talk more about before i got professional help than after because at almost 25, i've just started being treated. Idk if it will do anything to help anyone else but at least it'll distract me from my thoughts for a while.

 I've always felt like something was wasnt quite .... Right with me. I never really felt "normal".. i always felt sort of outcasted whether it at home, school, or just around people in general. I never really felt like i fit in .. It's not a problem some days because ive grown to enjoy not having to feel like the odd man out .. but there are days where I'd like to feel like I'm a part of something .. Like i.... belong, in a sense .. Didnt really have many outlets or people i felt i could explain how I felt growing up so i kept to myself a lot and sometimes did really dumb, destructive things. I have a bad temper that for the most part i do okay at controlling but sometimes i slip and have violent outbursts that push people away. Certain things have happened in my life that make me very wary of people and letting them into my space. Whether it's sexual assault, domestic violence, death, bad friendships/relationships, or just people using my life as a revolving door, ive kinda put up walls to block people out so they dont get too close or do too much damage. Sometimes they slip through the cracks and things get really bad. Good things happen too, dont get me wrong, but the bad is what seems to stick. I try to stay optimistic because at the end of the day ive "survived" a lot. But at the same time, what good is surviving when you dont even feel alive anymore? In just the past 7 years alone ive "survived" being accosted on my way home just because im petite female travelling alone at night, being raped by a boyfriends friend, attempting suicide by ODing on pain killers, domestic abuse via my daughters dad, various anxiety attacks, another attempted suicide by mixing vodka and vicodin, self medicating w narcs and sedatives, on top of thoughts of just walking into traffic because life was just getting to be too much .. After all of that i still dont feel like im supposed to be here. More like im forced to be here because people are depending on me and I'd feel like shit if i let them down. So like im here for everyone's benefit except my own.

Fast forward to October of 2014 .. Thats when i met my conscience/guardian angel/therapist/best friend. He's done/been there more for me in 7 months than people ive known my entire life. Something about him made me comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open and honest with him at both my lowest and highest points and for no reason other than him just being a genuinely awesome person. he was always there for me. No matter what was going on he was there whether it was with words of encouragement or with prayer. For once i felt like someone was in my corner and not just for their own benefit but because they really and truly cared. He was always honest and up front with me but never judgmental and i think thats what i needed the most. Its crazy because when i met him i wasnt really thinking that he or anyone else would ever be such a necessary part of my life but i can almost guarantee that if not for him i wouldnt be here right now .. He's who convinced me to get therapy which i did but stopped going to because they just didnt seem as genuine as he did when i spoke to him. I could almost tell by their tone that they were only in it for the money and not because they honestly wanted to help. He's also who convinced me to see a psychiatrist and get the medical help i need. 

Fast forward again to April of this year(2015). I was supposed to go to a party w a friend and sleep over her house but she fell asleep before it was time to go out so i stayed in .. Around 6am i woke up to someone trying to break into my house from the back patio .. I called the police and they came and checked out the house and said they didnt see anyone .. For the rest of the day i was awake and paranoid, jumping at the slightest noise and didnt sleep that night. The next morning i was jittery and anxious and just knew i was gonna have another anxiety attack so i found a psychiatrist and went to set up an appointment.. The anxiety attack i had been fighting off from the day before hit me and hard.. The doctor set me up with an appointment for two weeks and gave me a number to call in case i had another anxiety attack after i home. I ended up having another and went to the ER where they gave me something until my appointment.

Fast forward to last Thursday (5.14.15). I finally got to see a doctor. After speaking with them, it was found out that not only do i suffer from anxiety and depression, but also OCD, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. They started me on medication to help me deal with all of that but so far all they've done are make me a tired, even more depressed, zombie. 5 days in and im still weak, can barely eat, stomach always upset, drained, dehydrated, and feel like a shell of myself. My aunt said that they take 3 weeks to work but in the meantime im gonna feel like this and then afterwards if i come off of my meds I'll probably go crazy and hurt myself or someone else so i have much to look forward to. Needing medication to feel "normal" sucks, but needing them and not getting them is worse so i guess lose some, lose some? .. Im not in the most pleasant of moods .. Shocked that i can even feel a mood w these meds to be honest. For the most part i just feel blah, angry, or depressed and want to cry but cant. Hopefully something will change or happen soon so i can feel happy if only for a little while.