Captains Log 8/5/2015

Ok so today was a better day. Im on and off w taking my medication but I'm more on than off so i guess thats a good thing. I go back to see Dr. Roberts Monday and i think i might need her to up my dosage because they seem to be plateauing. Im gonna take a break soon from everything because I've been overwhelmed trying to keep face around everyone at home and work so people wont keep asking me what's wrong. I think i just need some me time .. I really need a break or a vacation but that will come later .. I had plans but I probably need to cancel those and start over because i feel like I'm wasting my time and nothing is happening to show me that I'm not. Kinda sucks because i was hoping that it would help change stuff for the better even just for a little while but i guess i was wrong. Oh well. Cant win em all. 

Captains Log 8/3/2015

Today wasn't a very good day .. Ive been feeling depressed for a few days now but it really hit me hard today .. I think its because it finally registered that no matter how optimistic i try to be and even if i take these pills that are supposed to make me "ok" and "normal" that it'll never work. I'll always be this way i'll always be crazy and the ppl i want to be understanding of it wont and i'll always be alone. Like i haven't even told Ana or Debbie anything because i don't wanna lose my friends .. I really feel like im trapped in my head and nobody can help me and it sucks because all i want is just for somebody anybody to understand me and why I operate the way i do and help me to understand it because i don't. I really don't know what to do ...