Captain's Log 1/28/2016

Ok so update .. My doctor started me on a new medication called straterra for my ADD/ADHD .. Its supposed to help me focus more but all its has been doing is making me sleepy .. Im hope that this is just a temporary side effect like how the other meds made me sleep all day in the beginning. This is my 5th day taking it and i dont feel as sleepy and my mind is a lot more clear which makes it easier to focus on what im doing .. Ive been feeling good for about the past week after my heart to heart w my best friend Daryle .. That convo has me looking at life and choices I've made differently as well as choices im going to make .. He's a really great person and im glad i can be so open and vulnerable w him without the fear that its gonna come back to haunt me. Its a much needed relief. .. Ive started trying to take my meds regularly since the doctor upped my dosage on everything so i hope they all work now. Ive also filed for disability benefits to kind help out right now financially while i get my head together and figure out what im going to do in the next few months when mommy moves .. Its kinda weird but lately ive been thinking a lot about getting married and having more kids and settling down into a career .. Im going to go back to school to complete my PA degree but in the meantime im going to go for business because i want to get into event and trip planning professionally .. Ive planned some trips and events before and they turned out well so i wanna start doing it for other people .. Hopefully w these new meds i can actually focus on school because being in a classroom has never been my strong point. Hopefully i can find the classes online because i do better learning at that slower pace .. Before i start on that im gonna start bettering myself. Im gonna start back working out on the 1st of February and doing yoga again. Daryle has agreed to workout with me and keep me accountable for doing my workouts and eating better. Im trying to get back to here

But i also wanna keep myself at 150 so im gonna start back drinking the whey protein shakes mixed w high protein boost since that helped w weight gain before so it should help me maintain my weight. I know i can get back to there if i stick to my workouts and yoga. I got to there in about a month (Shout out to muscle memory) so since ive gained weight in my stomach it should take maybe 2 months instead but i know it's doable. By my birthday my body should be where i want it to be and by tightening my stomach my stretch marks shouldnt show as much .. They dont show as much as they used to but i want them to fade some more or at least be attached to a fit toned body. Either or. The pain meds I'm taking for me knee and me being tired has my eyes crossing so im gonna try to get some sleep now .. Hoping i wake up in a good mood tomorrow so i can be productive

Captain's Log 1/18/2016

So update on the past couple months .. My meds seem to have completely stopped working outside of helping me sleep but they're also making me lethargic .. I thought the upped dosage would helped but it hasnt really done much so maybe my body is too used to the meds .. Ive had a few mild anxiety attacks which the meds are supposed to stop completely so i have to change those to something stronger .. Ive also been about as depressed as i was before i started treatment and its only seeming to get worse as time progresses .. Like i feel im getting worse instead of better and not having a job to distract me from it isnt really helping my cause at all .. Ive also started seriously dating which has been a little difficult only because i feel like in the past few months he's only seen me down and not very happy so idk how thats gonna go .. I mean he's been great and very supportive and caring even without knowing everything im dealing with so maybe once i finally do share this blog w him it might help him understand me a little better .. I also have to start being more open with him because i upset him a few days ago unintentionally by now telling something about myself that he felt he should have known from before .. I didnt really get why it upset him at first because i figured its still stuff about him that i dont know but then at the same if we actually trying to build a relationship i should be just as open and honest w him as I expect/want him to be with me whether i think its good or bad so i guess when we both have the time we can sit and talk about everything .. Thinking about it now, as supportive of me as he's been so far, i should WANT to be completely open w him its just some walls i gotta let down because being so completely guarded not gonna work out in my favor .. Its scary but this is something i want to work out so i guess it's something i have to do .. Maybe being more open w him might make it easier for both of us especially if there's anything going on w either of us .. I gotta start taking my own advice and get better w communication if i really want this relationship to flourish like i think it can .. Hopefully everything starts to work out from this to being better mentally to finding a new job .. I wanna do better this year for myself both with and without help in all aspects of my life .. I just have to figure out where to start.