Im falling deeper and deeper into a depression that i cannot shake ive been on medication for almost two months now and the bad feelings never really go away. I can pretend im getting better but thats only for everyone else's sake. I feel like im going to break. Like literally shatter. Ive all but shut eveyone out. No sense in fewling like you're having to force "friends" to wanna be in your life. Of course you want them there but not because thwy have to be out of pity of obligation. The one i love more than anything is the one i have to push furthest away. Having someone like me in his life inst healthy or good in any way. I can feel how disgusted he is every time i contact him. I did try to leave him alone but some part of me still wants a friend out of him even tho it's not possible and not fair to him. I dont even know why im here anymore honestly. There's nobody who i make better or help by being here. Literally everyone i make things stressful for. I dont see the purpose of me and i hate having to be here ruining everyone elses life. There's no point of me. Im just here being a burden and a liability. Every day i wish i could just end it. Every fucking day i wish i would just not wake up. I dont want to be here. I hate being here making life hard for everybody else

Captains Log 2/3/2017

i havent really been a recognizable version of myself aince i moved out here .. not being happy is normal to me but being constantly miserable is not .. everything thats wrong w me has been showing its ass and it really sucks .. i dont have any of the outlets i had before and because i was dumb enough to let people convince me that i "dont need" the medication that was somewhat helping me i dont have that either .. ive tried to get back on them but here they want unnecessary shit just to turn around and tell you that it's "all in your head"(wtf?) and if you think happy enough you'll feel it too. If i wanted to hear stupid shit like that w no alternative or any help provided i'd go to church. I just wanna feel like i have some control over my life. I dont wanna constantly be one bad day from walking into traffic .. what makes it worse is not having people i even trust anymore to tell them whats going on because last time i did i was met w "just stop thinking about it" and "just pray about it" which is really just a polite "idc please stfu" and that will never stop burning me up because it came from someone who claimed to care for and understand me. So now i just self medicate and do my damage quietly. Why tell people whats wrong if they dont care?

Captains Log 12/20/2016

For my New Years resolution i wanna do things differently. Not gonna put unrealistic goals but instead im gonna resolve to improve on things i started doing this to make me an overall better person. Im gonna do things that benefit me first before they benefit others. 

For starters, I wanna be able to forgive myself as easily as i forgive my ex. Even tho certain things have happened this past year that I probably should hate him for, i cant find it in my heart to do so. This is someone that i truly love and care for and even planned to spend the rest of my life with. I still love and care for and about him even tho forever disnt last as long as we hoped. The relationship was built on understanding and in my head that's still the foundation of whatever kinda relationship we have now. Trust has been broken a few times and that's a little harder to fix because now the things i used to be able to block out have seeped in so i second guess almost everything im told. I still trust him with my life but now it's a struggle to trust him w my heart and that sometimes makes things difficult and uncomfortable. there is a good in him that still shows even when people take advantage of it and i dont want him to lose that because that is what drew me to him in the first place. His heart, tho it's been hurt plenty, is still good and kind and i pray life doesnt turn that goodness into something ugly because he can do and be so much good; even more than he already is. i just want things to get back to a place of peace. i understand people fuck up. i understand people make bad decisions when fear steps in even if intentions were in the right place. that understanding is what makes me able to forgive him for things when ive canceled people from my life for much less. i wanna be able to be that level of understanding to my own self and not put myself down so hard when i make mistakes or bad decisions. im hoping this coming year will be one of mending for us and just becoming better people to ourselves and the people we care about.

I wanna be kinder to myself. I am my biggest critic and nothing i do is ever good enough for me. No matter how good i should feel like im doing, i still get on my case on what more i think i should be doing and that type of criticism isnt helpful. When i do something good im going to keep track of it and treat myself because i deserve to feel good for everything I accomplish. I deserve to feel like im worth something and i am worthy of praise even if it's just self praise. If it's even buying myself a nice lunch; i deserve. 

I wanna excel in all aspects of my life. When i get into GSU(i AM getting into GSU. Claiming that now) i wanna do great in all my courses. Im still on a high from taking my COMPASS exam and scoring high enough to where i can consider taking STEM level courses which i will. I know i will need help but i will still do my best. As much as ive switched my major, i know i want to work with children. I know i dont have the patience to be a teacher but my nature has always been and will always be a nurturer and a caretaker so ive decided i want to be a pediatrician. I dont like to see people not feeling well but its even worse when it's children because they're so helpless and fragile. I am gonna major in Biochemistry because i want to create things that help children feel better physically mentally and emotionally. 

I wanna be more financially responsible. I want to be able to save money for special occasions and also have money just incase of an emergency. I want to apply for a credit card this year to start rebuilding my credit. BoA is offering me a secure line to help with that so i will try to manage that properly and help myself credit wise so when i need it my score will look good.

I wanna be healthier. I wanna get back in the gym or back into yoga or both. I want my body to be toned again so i wont feel so self conscious when i wear tight dresses or shirts. I want to lose the little pudge i have but i also want to gain about 25 pounds because i felt so sexy and confident when i was bigger. Clothes looked nicer on me and i just felt good. I wanna get back there. I also wanna eat better and be more cognizant of what i put into my body. That means less processed food and alcohol and more home cooked less greasy food and more water.

I wanna manage my mental health better. My coping mechanisms are not good for me at all. I wanna find healthier safer ways to express how im feeling. I have already decided to go back to a psychiatrist to get back on medication to help w my BPD anxiety and depression as well as start seeing a therapist to express my issues and find better ways to solve them. I want to be so in tuned with myself mentally that if i feel something is wrong i can help myself first and seek outside help as a last resort.

I wanna be emotionally healthy as well. I want to be able to build healthy relationships agains. I want to be able to trust people without second guessing their actions but i also want to be able to know when someone doesnt mean me well or no longer serves a purpose in my life and be able to let them go completely. I want to be able to build strong bind with people who have my best interest at heart. At some point i may even want a relationship again but i want everything to be right. In my last one, neither of us were really ready and we were both scared of things going wrong and that fear manifested itself into exactly that. Were things different, i would be open to trying again with them mainly because that was they healthiest most loving relationship ive had with another person outside of my child. They loved and cared for me and it showed in both their actions and words. They looked out for me sometimes to the point of shortchanging themselves and i cant recall anyone everyone wanting me to be good so badly that they would do that for me and for that i will always look out for them if i can. Without hesitation.

I wanna be more spiritually sound. Organized religion doesnt really fit me. I tried it for most of my life but there's just too many rules and regulations that i personally dont agree with or cant in good conscience abide by and im finally accepting that that's ok. I have gotten into crystals and candle therapy. When i walked it to the crystal i was overwhelmed with emotion like how some people feel walking into a church. I felt so much need and want from the other people in there that were searching for answers themselves. Certain crystals kinda called out to me like they knew i needed them. Rose Quartz and Amethyst for example. Rose quartz is for self love and I definitely needed more of that. Amethyst is for protection from evil and needed that as well. I was also able to pick out crystals for muffin and my ex as well and when i held the ones i chose for them i just felt something like i was their protector and the crystals were my help when i wasn't physically around them. The candles have different purposes and colors and they help as well. I finally felt like i found what fit me spiritually and i wanna get more in tune with it. I felt so at peace and i want to experience that everyday.

I wanna be a better mom. I think i am doing a pretty good job of raising a respectful caring loving child. I believe i am raising her to be an overall good person who is kind smart gentle and understanding. People tell me all the time that im a great mom and im doing a great job raising such an amazing little person. I think i want to do us be more patient and kind to her. She is a very smart little girl but i still have to keep in mind that at the end of the day she is still a child and should be treated as such. Meaning i shouldnt be too hard on her because she is still learning how to navigate life. I want her to feel confident in herself no matter what and i want her to be comfortable coming to me about anything. I want to be her safe haven because as a black girl the world wont always be kind to her so i want her to know that even if it isnt she is still loved and cared for and she will always no matter what. She is already very strong willed. I want her to be able to develop her own personality with as little inhibitions as possible. She wants to do ballet and play soccer and as far im concerned she'll be the best soccer playing ballerina out so i'll find a way to make both of those possibly for her. I dont want to raise a robot. I want her to be able to think for herself and if she doesnt think something is right to speak on it and if there is any conflict i want her to be able to articulate her points without fearing repercussions. I just want her to be her own person. i will support her in anything she chooses to do. I will always be her biggest fan. She will always know that i love her and i care for and about her and i will always respect and protect her. She is my world and she will never have to doubt that for a second. I will always be there for her.

I wanna be able to protect myself. Nothing stresses me more than feeling helpless. I already own a taser mace and brass knuckles but for my safety sake and for the sake of my child, i am going to apply for a concealed carry permit. Outside of the danger we're gonna face when the racist bigoted cheeto takes office, there is the ever present danger of men when cant take no for an answer. I have been followed groped grabbed cornered and even assaulted both physically and sexually by men that don't respect me as a person much less a woman and think that their want for my attention is more important than my need to feel safe. Especially since i am a mother of a little girl and i am not a big person by a long shot, i need to be able to protect us. I am also going to take self defense classes and when i am able to afford it, put muffin in martial arts so she can defend herself as well.

I wanna be more confident. I dont wanna second guess any decision that i make. I wanna believe in myself and my ability to make sound decisions. I wanna be able to look myself in the eye after any choice i make and be proud of me. I wanna dig me so hard that anyone else's attention is purely supplementary. I wanna be so into me that i dont feel like i NEED to be without someone to be complete but rather WANT them around to match what I already bring to my table. I also want to be able to only attract those who are going to ADD to my life and not subtract. Meaning someone who will bring me peace and happiness and not feel like a burden or have me feeling like i am one to them. I want to live this quote(may be misquoted) "i'll only have you if your company is sweeter than my solitude." I want to be comfortable and happy even when i am alone because im so deep into myself that i dont feel i NEED someone to bring me happiness because i give myself so much of it.

I dont in anyway feel like any of these goals are unattainable at all. I believe i will be able to them all because i have faith in myself and my ability to get shit done. And it'll feel so damn good to know i did it by myself for myself. 

Captains Log 10/17/2016

Im starting to realize that ive slipped back into one of my most destructive habits of drug abuse .. with having a miscarriage, dealing w resurfacing abandonment issue, depression, anxiety, and this feeling like im never gonna progress i started abusing my pain meds again. I initially needed them because i redislocated my knee the day i came back from seeing my daughter  but since then i havent been able to work or even leave my house partially from my knee and partially from depression .. ive been trying to reach out to people because i know i need help but the only people who "want" to be around are people who will only be there as long as it benefits them. I really dont even know why im trying anymore. Nothing that im doing is helping. Ive been here almost two months and have nothing saved for a down payment for a vehicle or even a month of rent in my own place. I literally hate being here. Not just Atlanta but alive period. Like i feel like i have no purpose of my own. Only thing im here for is to be drained by the people around me. Like im constantly being drawn from but nothing being put back into me. And it's not just something thats recent; this is how ive always felt w everyone around me. From "family" to "friends" to people ive been in relationships w. Its a constant give give give but no return. Im just so tired of this shit man

Captains Log 9/28/16

So the past month or so hasnt been very good but it REALLY got bad like two weeks ago .. been feeling very off and hella drained .. then outta nowhere i started spotting and it didnt get any heavier than that and when i googled, i was told it was possibly implantation bleeding  .. as if i needed to be pregnant on top of all the other shit i have going on. I told my ex and that didnt go over too well .. kinda felt like i was dealing w my daughters dad all over again w how he was acting .. like i was dealing w a whole new person .. on top of already feeling alone in a new city now i felt like i was being abandoned by the one person i kinda expected to always be there for me because they said they would be all i did for like a week was sleep and cry .. we got into a really bad argument Wednesday before i went to work and that whole shift i spent most of it in the bathroom crying .. i already wasnt feeling well that day so it kinda made things worse .. the spotting to a little heavier so i decided to go the the ER after work .. spent all night there and found out the stress my body was under that caused me to lose 20 lbs, also caused me to have a miscarriage.. told my ex and as i kinda expected he didnt really seem to care .. what really hurt was getting on snapchat a few hours later to hear "after the news i got earlier i feel like my life is finally headed in a positive direction" .. to me it was like ok glad my losing a child was the highlight of your day .. i started drinking heavily trying to just get thru the day .. that was Thursday.. i havent been sober since then and i dont see me getting there any time soon .. im not in a good place mentally at all .. i dont really have someone i feel i can confide in anymore like i did for the past two years so it's way harder .. i feel myself getting really close to a mental breakdown and thats really gonna suck but i dont have to support or coping skills to deal w shit like this so im just kinda stuck 😕

Captains Log 7/11/2016

So today is my 26th birthday .. im actually happy about it because i really almost didnt make it. Depression and anxiety were and still are some muthafuckas but my support system helped me make it through another year. It wasnt easy at all and their were PLENTY times i was ready to give up. I tried to tbh. But i guess its not in my life plan right now to not be here so i guess i'll stick around for a little while longer. Gonna enjoy the people who've stayed around for me and the ones who didnt really dont exist anymore. Sounds cold but my happiness and mental wellbeing > anything else. Not sure what im doing today but im gonna go get cute and try to make the best of it. ❤️

Captains Log 7/8/2016

i havent been here in a while because ive been consumed with trying to life life and be happy. I stopped taking my meds a few months back amd even tho i had withdrawals i was able to start feeling how i think normal should feel. Started datng Daryle and ive been in a state of bliss ever since. Even when im not he's in my corner cheering me on and morivating me. Making me feel capable of reaching any goal i set and overall just being the most amazing person i have ever met. I still had my days when life got me down and i still do but it hasnt felt as bad. Until now. In the past few days men and women who look like me were killed by police for trying to exist. Everyone is making excuses but thtas all it was.  They were killed for being black in America. The one that stuck out to me the most was the murder of a man name Philandro Castille. These bastards killed him for following their instructions and trying to get his wallet because "they thought he was reaching for a gun. (Sidenote: yes he had a gun. He also had a license to carry. He told the cop this beforehand. He did NOT reach for his gun he tried to to retreive his license as requested by police.compliance got him killed.) the thing about it thats fucking me up is this: he wasnt by himself. His girlfriend and her toddler were in the car. Police paid this no mind when they shot into the vehicle. They could have shot and killed that girls mother or even the little girl! She had to sit and watch the man she loves bleed to death and record it so that these crooked cops wouldnt lie about what happened. All i can think is that could have been us. That could be Taylor in danger of losing her life at 4 because a cop decided to harass and terrorize instead of serve and protect. Then that same baby was the one comforting her heartbroken mother and that broke me because taylor has had to do that often when i break down. At 4 years old my baby is already terrified of the police because she is afraid they will shoot her andkill me. These arent things she should have to worry about and it kills me that she isnt granted the privilege of being a child because of her skin color. Im seething w rage because it isnt fuckin fair. Why arent we allowed to live life? Why are we becoming hashtags daily? Wtf is so wrong w these muthafuckas that they see us and are so terrified they think we deserve death? Like this shit is so draining. I drink to numb myself to whats going on around me. I sleep all day because being awake hurts to much. I worry that the man i love will be stopped harassed and murdered simply he is a black my who doesnt deny his blackness. I fear that my child will me killed in the street and they will try to justify it even tho she's just a baby. I live in a state of constant terror. I cant even be around police too long or i have anxiety attacks and they might even use that as an excuse to kill me claiming they feared for their lives when im the one who is fearful and reacting to the trauma of watching people who look like me being slain and nothing is being done about it. I dont even feel like "Jesus" fucks with us as a people because if he did he would cover and protect us no? But the ones killing is are protected and covered and coincidentally pray to the same God As we do and apparently their prayers are heard over ours. Im tired frustrated fed up angry beaten down and dont know what else to do. Like i had enough to worry about before and now i have to worry about myself or someone i care about becoming the next name on the everlasting list of POC who died at the hands of police. The stress is literally killing me. I cant sleep i barely eat and im always one wrong word away from a mental breakdown. I didnt wanna be dependent on medication to function but it seems like thats now the only way other than just living in a bubble of ignorance which i refuse to do. I want my people safe. I also want to be in as healthy a mental state as possible because i cant help others when i dont help myself first. Im hoping and prayinv that tomorrow will be a better day but i see nothing but doom. Im not hopeful for the future because as a black woman i might just be denied a future because a cop thought i "look suspicious". I am tired. I am sick. I do not want to keep having to live like these walking on eggshells to make aure white people are comfortable. I want them to be as uncomfortable as we are every day. I watched two black men be shot and killed in a room full of white people. Their light conversations turned to complete silence. Like DEAD silence. They did everything they could to avoid eye contact and the few who didnt or couldnt looked absolutely terrified which is crazy to me because there were at least 10 of them there and only one of me and im a fairly small person. Even with those facts they were still scared of lil ol me because their actions and subsequent silence and their stance on the genocide of my people warrants violence. But im not a monster like them. I wont kill innocent people for how they look act their skin color. I just hopw that one day we can live and flourish and not be chopped down for being proud of our blackness. When i first became aware of this happening when Trayvon was killed i started to get worried about any future children i decided to have. I even started think that i wouldnt bring any other black child into this world because of how we are treated by those who are supposed to protect us. Then i realized something. That is exactly what these racist bastards want. The dont wanr more black and brown people. They want to exterminate us and we cant let it happen. We have to keep is alive. We deserve life and happinses just like everyone else and im FED UP. I just want us to like. My birthday is monday and i just wanna make it to 26 safe and sound. We shouldnt have to rejoice over seeing a new day.i just wanna know when it get better? When do WE get to win? I mean shit, we been taking hella Ls for decades. When do WE get to live this American dream? We just wanna live without becoming hashtags. Thats it.