Captains Log 7/11/2016

So today is my 26th birthday .. im actually happy about it because i really almost didnt make it. Depression and anxiety were and still are some muthafuckas but my support system helped me make it through another year. It wasnt easy at all and their were PLENTY times i was ready to give up. I tried to tbh. But i guess its not in my life plan right now to not be here so i guess i'll stick around for a little while longer. Gonna enjoy the people who've stayed around for me and the ones who didnt really dont exist anymore. Sounds cold but my happiness and mental wellbeing > anything else. Not sure what im doing today but im gonna go get cute and try to make the best of it. ❤️

Captains Log 7/8/2016

i havent been here in a while because ive been consumed with trying to life life and be happy. I stopped taking my meds a few months back amd even tho i had withdrawals i was able to start feeling how i think normal should feel. Started datng Daryle and ive been in a state of bliss ever since. Even when im not he's in my corner cheering me on and morivating me. Making me feel capable of reaching any goal i set and overall just being the most amazing person i have ever met. I still had my days when life got me down and i still do but it hasnt felt as bad. Until now. In the past few days men and women who look like me were killed by police for trying to exist. Everyone is making excuses but thtas all it was.  They were killed for being black in America. The one that stuck out to me the most was the murder of a man name Philandro Castille. These bastards killed him for following their instructions and trying to get his wallet because "they thought he was reaching for a gun. (Sidenote: yes he had a gun. He also had a license to carry. He told the cop this beforehand. He did NOT reach for his gun he tried to to retreive his license as requested by police.compliance got him killed.) the thing about it thats fucking me up is this: he wasnt by himself. His girlfriend and her toddler were in the car. Police paid this no mind when they shot into the vehicle. They could have shot and killed that girls mother or even the little girl! She had to sit and watch the man she loves bleed to death and record it so that these crooked cops wouldnt lie about what happened. All i can think is that could have been us. That could be Taylor in danger of losing her life at 4 because a cop decided to harass and terrorize instead of serve and protect. Then that same baby was the one comforting her heartbroken mother and that broke me because taylor has had to do that often when i break down. At 4 years old my baby is already terrified of the police because she is afraid they will shoot her andkill me. These arent things she should have to worry about and it kills me that she isnt granted the privilege of being a child because of her skin color. Im seething w rage because it isnt fuckin fair. Why arent we allowed to live life? Why are we becoming hashtags daily? Wtf is so wrong w these muthafuckas that they see us and are so terrified they think we deserve death? Like this shit is so draining. I drink to numb myself to whats going on around me. I sleep all day because being awake hurts to much. I worry that the man i love will be stopped harassed and murdered simply he is a black my who doesnt deny his blackness. I fear that my child will me killed in the street and they will try to justify it even tho she's just a baby. I live in a state of constant terror. I cant even be around police too long or i have anxiety attacks and they might even use that as an excuse to kill me claiming they feared for their lives when im the one who is fearful and reacting to the trauma of watching people who look like me being slain and nothing is being done about it. I dont even feel like "Jesus" fucks with us as a people because if he did he would cover and protect us no? But the ones killing is are protected and covered and coincidentally pray to the same God As we do and apparently their prayers are heard over ours. Im tired frustrated fed up angry beaten down and dont know what else to do. Like i had enough to worry about before and now i have to worry about myself or someone i care about becoming the next name on the everlasting list of POC who died at the hands of police. The stress is literally killing me. I cant sleep i barely eat and im always one wrong word away from a mental breakdown. I didnt wanna be dependent on medication to function but it seems like thats now the only way other than just living in a bubble of ignorance which i refuse to do. I want my people safe. I also want to be in as healthy a mental state as possible because i cant help others when i dont help myself first. Im hoping and prayinv that tomorrow will be a better day but i see nothing but doom. Im not hopeful for the future because as a black woman i might just be denied a future because a cop thought i "look suspicious". I am tired. I am sick. I do not want to keep having to live like these walking on eggshells to make aure white people are comfortable. I want them to be as uncomfortable as we are every day. I watched two black men be shot and killed in a room full of white people. Their light conversations turned to complete silence. Like DEAD silence. They did everything they could to avoid eye contact and the few who didnt or couldnt looked absolutely terrified which is crazy to me because there were at least 10 of them there and only one of me and im a fairly small person. Even with those facts they were still scared of lil ol me because their actions and subsequent silence and their stance on the genocide of my people warrants violence. But im not a monster like them. I wont kill innocent people for how they look act their skin color. I just hopw that one day we can live and flourish and not be chopped down for being proud of our blackness. When i first became aware of this happening when Trayvon was killed i started to get worried about any future children i decided to have. I even started think that i wouldnt bring any other black child into this world because of how we are treated by those who are supposed to protect us. Then i realized something. That is exactly what these racist bastards want. The dont wanr more black and brown people. They want to exterminate us and we cant let it happen. We have to keep is alive. We deserve life and happinses just like everyone else and im FED UP. I just want us to like. My birthday is monday and i just wanna make it to 26 safe and sound. We shouldnt have to rejoice over seeing a new day.i just wanna know when it get better? When do WE get to win? I mean shit, we been taking hella Ls for decades. When do WE get to live this American dream? We just wanna live without becoming hashtags. Thats it.