Captain's Log 10/19/2015

So the past couple days have been a little better .. I don't feel as defeated or drained .. I have been more anxious but thats because I'm trying to find a new apartment by the end of the month and my options are dwindling.. Hopefully everything pans out by next week but i'm trying not to stress it too much. Im hoping nothing too stressful happens between now and my appointment in two weeks but with the moving i know something is bound to happen. Fingers crossed and prayers up for smooth sailing .. Ive also recently started gaining weight .. Like a lot in the past few months .. I jumped from a size 1 to an 11 and i weigh between 140-150 .. I never even weight this much pregnant and im having trouble managing the weight .. Maybe once i move i can find a gym or someone to workout with .. Hopefully i dont gain anymore because i hate buying new clothes .. Prolly gonna have to give most of my stuff to goodwill since i can't fit them anymore.. Oh well

Captain's Log 10/14/2015

So im thinking i need to take some sort of break from life .. Like even a weekend will do i just need some actual time for myself where im not obligated to do anything. Not wake up not take care of anybody not answer my phone. Just 3 days to myself to decompress .. Im tired and worn out. Im stressed out. My medication doesnt even feel like its working anymore. Im almost as depressed as i was before i got help and its only seeming to get worse and idk what to do anymore .. I dont really feel like i have anyone i can really talk to like before because everyone has life going on same as me so i cant expect them to make time for me. Wouldnt really be fair to expect that at all tbh. Just wish i didnt feel so alone and helpless all the damn time so i could try to mange everything better .. On top of that i have to still do the whole pretending im fine thing in front of everybody because they make it so uncomfortable to talk about the fact that something is wrong. The only "help" anybody wants to offer is "just pray about it" 😒 .. I dont even justify it w a response anymore .. Im probably gonna have to get on stronger anti depressants AGAIN because nothing seems to be working. I honestly dk why I'm still here. Im tired and i don't want to be. I wanna be/get better but i don't see it happening and it sucks.

Captains Log 8/5/2015

Ok so today was a better day. Im on and off w taking my medication but I'm more on than off so i guess thats a good thing. I go back to see Dr. Roberts Monday and i think i might need her to up my dosage because they seem to be plateauing. Im gonna take a break soon from everything because I've been overwhelmed trying to keep face around everyone at home and work so people wont keep asking me what's wrong. I think i just need some me time .. I really need a break or a vacation but that will come later .. I had plans but I probably need to cancel those and start over because i feel like I'm wasting my time and nothing is happening to show me that I'm not. Kinda sucks because i was hoping that it would help change stuff for the better even just for a little while but i guess i was wrong. Oh well. Cant win em all. 

Captains Log 8/3/2015

Today wasn't a very good day .. Ive been feeling depressed for a few days now but it really hit me hard today .. I think its because it finally registered that no matter how optimistic i try to be and even if i take these pills that are supposed to make me "ok" and "normal" that it'll never work. I'll always be this way i'll always be crazy and the ppl i want to be understanding of it wont and i'll always be alone. Like i haven't even told Ana or Debbie anything because i don't wanna lose my friends .. I really feel like im trapped in my head and nobody can help me and it sucks because all i want is just for somebody anybody to understand me and why I operate the way i do and help me to understand it because i don't. I really don't know what to do ...

Captains Log 7/31/15

Havent posted on here in a while .. I started back taking my medication once i figured out that it was the Vicodin i was taking for knee pain was what was causing the negative reactions.. I can still take the Tramadol since that doesn't have adverse effects but i haven't needed it in a while which is very good .. The anxiety meds have been working overtime and I'm thankful for that .. The antidepressants are sort of working too .. I say sort of because i don't feel "depressed" but i still have certain habits that i cant change like the wanting to be alone or in bed all day in the dark .. Not because I'm sad but because the medication still makes me really sleepy .. Im doing better at work I've been here a month and a half w no issues so thats a big improvement only issue i have is not being able to focus so I'm going to see what can be done about that .. The schizophrenia meds may need to be upped .. Im not sure if its because i missed a few doses or if i need a stronger dose because i don't see the little boy at my grandmas house anymore but i did see a man a few weeks ago who "wasn't there" .. I slept over a friends house after a party because i drank too much to drive home .. Woke up and had to use the bathroom and when i got out i thought my friend was standing in the hallway but for some reason i couldn't walk around him .. Asked what was up and he answered from his room; not in front of me where i was seeing him .. Rubbed my eyes and the person was gone. Thats been creeping me out for a while because I've only seen the little boy before never an adult and something about him was very dark and made me uneasy .. The little boy never really bothered me i would just see him running through the house like he's running to or away from something or someone but he's always in a hurry .. I haven't seen the man since that day but I'm starting to wonder if thats who the little boy is always running from .. Also if thats the case why did the man block my path when I've never actually interacted w the little boy? Only Taylor has gotten him to interact w her. She's sat and played w him many times according her .. She could just be making it up but its a little too coincidental that she's making up the same little boy I'm seeing and that my mom and gramma have seen as well .. 

62415

Stopped taking my meds. I feel ridiculous as fuck having to take multiple drugs all day every day just to be "normal". Still dont know what tf "normal" is supposed to feel like.just want to crawl into bed and sleep forver. Im tired im drained im exhausted. Just existing is wearing me out on top of working and taylor and everything else i have to do. Im tired

62215

Imnot sure if it's my psych meds interacting w my pain meds but im not ok. I feel off. Destructive. I dont wanna be here right now but ihave so much i have to do. Been having thoughts of walking into traffic and driving off a bridgefor the past couple days. Idk whats causing it but i dont feel ok like i should. Something is wrong and idk ehat it is.

Captains Log 6/6/2015

Ok so more things I've learned about this medication so far. Idk if it's just me or what but my alcohol tolerance is higher than it used to be .. For example, yesterday i went out w friends. Before i left home i had the equivalent of 4 vodka cranberries. When we got to our destination i also had rum and coke and Hennessy. Came home and had two more vodka cranberries. Thats 7 drinks total and i didn't feel any of them. Like not even a little .. I thought i'd at least be tipsy which made me nervous because i was the DD but i was fine the entire time as if i didn't drink anything at all which is strange because usually by drink 3 i would be ready for a nap but i wasn't tired until i took the mirtazapine and risperidone which make me sleep anyway. Woke up w no hangover even tho i hadn't eaten much and now at 10:45 pm I'm still fine not even a headache .. I still have the moments of extreme energy bursts even when i take the medication and I'm still tired a lot but i haven't had anxiety attacks or bouts of depression since i started to feel better so thats good. I start therapy on Tuesday so that should be interesting.

Captains Log 5/31/2015

So this is what ive learned so far about this medication. The anti depressants do work which is great. The anti anxiety meds do work which is great as well. The meds for OCD and schizophrenia dont work too well lol. If i miss a dose i go into a sort of "hyperactive" mode where im a bit reckless and non filtered as well as i have strange dreams and see things like bugs and passing people that aren't there. I also have really strong deja vu that feels scarily real to where i cant tell if its a dream or something that actually happened or is happening because it feels so much like reality. The only thing thats different are really small things that wouldnt normally be noticeable like my grandmother walking and talking; both of which she hasnt been able to do since october of lst year. I think when it happens the anti anxiety meds kinda kick into overdrive because i dont get panicky about it or anything i just feel really creeped out and cant really do anything about it. For the most part i feel like the medication is helping a lot i just I guess have to get used to the deja vu, dreams, and hyperactive fits. I also have to stick to my schedule and not miss doses. It helps alot that the pills are small, virtually tasteless, and easy to swallow. It doesn't help that since taking them my tastebuds feel kinda worn out and are really sensitive as well as the constant dry mouth and weird taste left in the morning after taking the night time meds. 

Captains Log 5/23/15

So today was actually a decent day .. Got outta bed and did laundry and baked .. Didn't feel tired all day like usual which is a good thing i suppose .. More energy today and i actually wanted to be around people for a change .. Might do so this weekend if i find a ride .. A lot of nervous energy and idk what to do with it so i feel kinda jittery/skittish .. No real appetite but hopefully it comes back soon ..

Captains Log 5/22/15

Day 8 .. Not feeling too bad today .. Still getting used to the constant sleepiness .. My appetite is back and my stomach isn't turning anymore .. Gotta try to incorporate me leaving the house to see if being around people helps my mood but i have to be careful because Miami is hot and one of these meds advises against being in the sun for fear of heat stroke .. I've REALLY been sorta craving hard liquor .. Not supposed to drink on these meds but i also been restless since i stopped drinking two weeks ago .. Might quench that craving this weekend idk yet .. Gonna go sleep off these meds and try to find something for dinner later

Captains Log 5/21/15

Today is day 7 of taking these meds to be "normal" .. I feel like absolute shit today. Nauseous, tired, weak, dehydrated, in pain, you name it .. Couldn't go to work today because i guess i over did it yesterday and my body is too weak for me to even get outta bed .. I've been in and outta sleep all day and i just feel like death .. Been feeling like I'm gonna cry for the past week and i cant so i just feel down without actually crying .. I need a hug but i feel if i got one i would probably break .. Like literally fall apart .. Thinking about canceling my weekend plans because A. No transportation and B. No energy .. I need more outlets and people who are willing to attempt to understand me because right now everyone is too busy as well as i don't like feeling like I'm annoying or pestering someone when i want/need to vent .. Having to take all these medications to function like everyone else feels like crap but it's crap i have to do so taylor has a chance to actually BE normal instead of having to fight for it .. Hoping something changes for the better sooner rather than later...

Captains Log 5/20/15

Okay so .. Today is day 6 .. Didn't feel as weak or tired today although at one point i did start zoning out at work .. Like literally blanking out and forgetting what i was doing .. I actually felt okay enough to go to work which i think was good for me .. But now I'm home and I'm drained and everything hurts .. Taylor is up so i cant take anything to make me sleep just yet .. I don't feel jittery but i do think either these antidepressants don't work or I'm defective because my depression levels have gone up instead of down .. Probably why I'm on two of them .. I don't feel weepy or anything more like "why am i here" .. I just feel blah .. Tired and wanna sleep and not wake up for a long time .. Might have to trick taylor into taking a nap because i need sleep

Captains Log 5/19/15

So ive decided to write a sort of diary documenting what my daily life has been like dealing with mental health issues. I'll probably talk more about before i got professional help than after because at almost 25, i've just started being treated. Idk if it will do anything to help anyone else but at least it'll distract me from my thoughts for a while.

 I've always felt like something was wasnt quite .... Right with me. I never really felt "normal".. i always felt sort of outcasted whether it at home, school, or just around people in general. I never really felt like i fit in .. It's not a problem some days because ive grown to enjoy not having to feel like the odd man out .. but there are days where I'd like to feel like I'm a part of something .. Like i.... belong, in a sense .. Didnt really have many outlets or people i felt i could explain how I felt growing up so i kept to myself a lot and sometimes did really dumb, destructive things. I have a bad temper that for the most part i do okay at controlling but sometimes i slip and have violent outbursts that push people away. Certain things have happened in my life that make me very wary of people and letting them into my space. Whether it's sexual assault, domestic violence, death, bad friendships/relationships, or just people using my life as a revolving door, ive kinda put up walls to block people out so they dont get too close or do too much damage. Sometimes they slip through the cracks and things get really bad. Good things happen too, dont get me wrong, but the bad is what seems to stick. I try to stay optimistic because at the end of the day ive "survived" a lot. But at the same time, what good is surviving when you dont even feel alive anymore? In just the past 7 years alone ive "survived" being accosted on my way home just because im petite female travelling alone at night, being raped by a boyfriends friend, attempting suicide by ODing on pain killers, domestic abuse via my daughters dad, various anxiety attacks, another attempted suicide by mixing vodka and vicodin, self medicating w narcs and sedatives, on top of thoughts of just walking into traffic because life was just getting to be too much .. After all of that i still dont feel like im supposed to be here. More like im forced to be here because people are depending on me and I'd feel like shit if i let them down. So like im here for everyone's benefit except my own.

Fast forward to October of 2014 .. Thats when i met my conscience/guardian angel/therapist/best friend. He's done/been there more for me in 7 months than people ive known my entire life. Something about him made me comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open and honest with him at both my lowest and highest points and for no reason other than him just being a genuinely awesome person. he was always there for me. No matter what was going on he was there whether it was with words of encouragement or with prayer. For once i felt like someone was in my corner and not just for their own benefit but because they really and truly cared. He was always honest and up front with me but never judgmental and i think thats what i needed the most. Its crazy because when i met him i wasnt really thinking that he or anyone else would ever be such a necessary part of my life but i can almost guarantee that if not for him i wouldnt be here right now .. He's who convinced me to get therapy which i did but stopped going to because they just didnt seem as genuine as he did when i spoke to him. I could almost tell by their tone that they were only in it for the money and not because they honestly wanted to help. He's also who convinced me to see a psychiatrist and get the medical help i need. 

Fast forward again to April of this year(2015). I was supposed to go to a party w a friend and sleep over her house but she fell asleep before it was time to go out so i stayed in .. Around 6am i woke up to someone trying to break into my house from the back patio .. I called the police and they came and checked out the house and said they didnt see anyone .. For the rest of the day i was awake and paranoid, jumping at the slightest noise and didnt sleep that night. The next morning i was jittery and anxious and just knew i was gonna have another anxiety attack so i found a psychiatrist and went to set up an appointment.. The anxiety attack i had been fighting off from the day before hit me and hard.. The doctor set me up with an appointment for two weeks and gave me a number to call in case i had another anxiety attack after i home. I ended up having another and went to the ER where they gave me something until my appointment.

Fast forward to last Thursday (5.14.15). I finally got to see a doctor. After speaking with them, it was found out that not only do i suffer from anxiety and depression, but also OCD, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. They started me on medication to help me deal with all of that but so far all they've done are make me a tired, even more depressed, zombie. 5 days in and im still weak, can barely eat, stomach always upset, drained, dehydrated, and feel like a shell of myself. My aunt said that they take 3 weeks to work but in the meantime im gonna feel like this and then afterwards if i come off of my meds I'll probably go crazy and hurt myself or someone else so i have much to look forward to. Needing medication to feel "normal" sucks, but needing them and not getting them is worse so i guess lose some, lose some? .. Im not in the most pleasant of moods .. Shocked that i can even feel a mood w these meds to be honest. For the most part i just feel blah, angry, or depressed and want to cry but cant. Hopefully something will change or happen soon so i can feel happy if only for a little while.