Im falling deeper and deeper into a depression that i cannot shake ive been on medication for almost two months now and the bad feelings never really go away. I can pretend im getting better but thats only for everyone else's sake. I feel like im going to break. Like literally shatter. Ive all but shut eveyone out. No sense in fewling like you're having to force "friends" to wanna be in your life. Of course you want them there but not because thwy have to be out of pity of obligation. The one i love more than anything is the one i have to push furthest away. Having someone like me in his life inst healthy or good in any way. I can feel how disgusted he is every time i contact him. I did try to leave him alone but some part of me still wants a friend out of him even tho it's not possible and not fair to him. I dont even know why im here anymore honestly. There's nobody who i make better or help by being here. Literally everyone i make things stressful for. I dont see the purpose of me and i hate having to be here ruining everyone elses life. There's no point of me. Im just here being a burden and a liability. Every day i wish i could just end it. Every fucking day i wish i would just not wake up. I dont want to be here. I hate being here making life hard for everybody else

Captains Log 2/3/2017

i havent really been a recognizable version of myself aince i moved out here .. not being happy is normal to me but being constantly miserable is not .. everything thats wrong w me has been showing its ass and it really sucks .. i dont have any of the outlets i had before and because i was dumb enough to let people convince me that i "dont need" the medication that was somewhat helping me i dont have that either .. ive tried to get back on them but here they want unnecessary shit just to turn around and tell you that it's "all in your head"(wtf?) and if you think happy enough you'll feel it too. If i wanted to hear stupid shit like that w no alternative or any help provided i'd go to church. I just wanna feel like i have some control over my life. I dont wanna constantly be one bad day from walking into traffic .. what makes it worse is not having people i even trust anymore to tell them whats going on because last time i did i was met w "just stop thinking about it" and "just pray about it" which is really just a polite "idc please stfu" and that will never stop burning me up because it came from someone who claimed to care for and understand me. So now i just self medicate and do my damage quietly. Why tell people whats wrong if they dont care?