Captains Log 2/3/2017

i havent really been a recognizable version of myself aince i moved out here .. not being happy is normal to me but being constantly miserable is not .. everything thats wrong w me has been showing its ass and it really sucks .. i dont have any of the outlets i had before and because i was dumb enough to let people convince me that i "dont need" the medication that was somewhat helping me i dont have that either .. ive tried to get back on them but here they want unnecessary shit just to turn around and tell you that it's "all in your head"(wtf?) and if you think happy enough you'll feel it too. If i wanted to hear stupid shit like that w no alternative or any help provided i'd go to church. I just wanna feel like i have some control over my life. I dont wanna constantly be one bad day from walking into traffic .. what makes it worse is not having people i even trust anymore to tell them whats going on because last time i did i was met w "just stop thinking about it" and "just pray about it" which is really just a polite "idc please stfu" and that will never stop burning me up because it came from someone who claimed to care for and understand me. So now i just self medicate and do my damage quietly. Why tell people whats wrong if they dont care?