Captain's Log 10/19/2015

So the past couple days have been a little better .. I don't feel as defeated or drained .. I have been more anxious but thats because I'm trying to find a new apartment by the end of the month and my options are dwindling.. Hopefully everything pans out by next week but i'm trying not to stress it too much. Im hoping nothing too stressful happens between now and my appointment in two weeks but with the moving i know something is bound to happen. Fingers crossed and prayers up for smooth sailing .. Ive also recently started gaining weight .. Like a lot in the past few months .. I jumped from a size 1 to an 11 and i weigh between 140-150 .. I never even weight this much pregnant and im having trouble managing the weight .. Maybe once i move i can find a gym or someone to workout with .. Hopefully i dont gain anymore because i hate buying new clothes .. Prolly gonna have to give most of my stuff to goodwill since i can't fit them anymore.. Oh well

Captain's Log 10/14/2015

So im thinking i need to take some sort of break from life .. Like even a weekend will do i just need some actual time for myself where im not obligated to do anything. Not wake up not take care of anybody not answer my phone. Just 3 days to myself to decompress .. Im tired and worn out. Im stressed out. My medication doesnt even feel like its working anymore. Im almost as depressed as i was before i got help and its only seeming to get worse and idk what to do anymore .. I dont really feel like i have anyone i can really talk to like before because everyone has life going on same as me so i cant expect them to make time for me. Wouldnt really be fair to expect that at all tbh. Just wish i didnt feel so alone and helpless all the damn time so i could try to mange everything better .. On top of that i have to still do the whole pretending im fine thing in front of everybody because they make it so uncomfortable to talk about the fact that something is wrong. The only "help" anybody wants to offer is "just pray about it" 😒 .. I dont even justify it w a response anymore .. Im probably gonna have to get on stronger anti depressants AGAIN because nothing seems to be working. I honestly dk why I'm still here. Im tired and i don't want to be. I wanna be/get better but i don't see it happening and it sucks.