Captains Log 10/17/2016

Im starting to realize that ive slipped back into one of my most destructive habits of drug abuse .. with having a miscarriage, dealing w resurfacing abandonment issue, depression, anxiety, and this feeling like im never gonna progress i started abusing my pain meds again. I initially needed them because i redislocated my knee the day i came back from seeing my daughter  but since then i havent been able to work or even leave my house partially from my knee and partially from depression .. ive been trying to reach out to people because i know i need help but the only people who "want" to be around are people who will only be there as long as it benefits them. I really dont even know why im trying anymore. Nothing that im doing is helping. Ive been here almost two months and have nothing saved for a down payment for a vehicle or even a month of rent in my own place. I literally hate being here. Not just Atlanta but alive period. Like i feel like i have no purpose of my own. Only thing im here for is to be drained by the people around me. Like im constantly being drawn from but nothing being put back into me. And it's not just something thats recent; this is how ive always felt w everyone around me. From "family" to "friends" to people ive been in relationships w. Its a constant give give give but no return. Im just so tired of this shit man