62215

Imnot sure if it's my psych meds interacting w my pain meds but im not ok. I feel off. Destructive. I dont wanna be here right now but ihave so much i have to do. Been having thoughts of walking into traffic and driving off a bridgefor the past couple days. Idk whats causing it but i dont feel ok like i should. Something is wrong and idk ehat it is.

Captains Log 6/6/2015

Ok so more things I've learned about this medication so far. Idk if it's just me or what but my alcohol tolerance is higher than it used to be .. For example, yesterday i went out w friends. Before i left home i had the equivalent of 4 vodka cranberries. When we got to our destination i also had rum and coke and Hennessy. Came home and had two more vodka cranberries. Thats 7 drinks total and i didn't feel any of them. Like not even a little .. I thought i'd at least be tipsy which made me nervous because i was the DD but i was fine the entire time as if i didn't drink anything at all which is strange because usually by drink 3 i would be ready for a nap but i wasn't tired until i took the mirtazapine and risperidone which make me sleep anyway. Woke up w no hangover even tho i hadn't eaten much and now at 10:45 pm I'm still fine not even a headache .. I still have the moments of extreme energy bursts even when i take the medication and I'm still tired a lot but i haven't had anxiety attacks or bouts of depression since i started to feel better so thats good. I start therapy on Tuesday so that should be interesting.

Captains Log 5/31/2015

So this is what ive learned so far about this medication. The anti depressants do work which is great. The anti anxiety meds do work which is great as well. The meds for OCD and schizophrenia dont work too well lol. If i miss a dose i go into a sort of "hyperactive" mode where im a bit reckless and non filtered as well as i have strange dreams and see things like bugs and passing people that aren't there. I also have really strong deja vu that feels scarily real to where i cant tell if its a dream or something that actually happened or is happening because it feels so much like reality. The only thing thats different are really small things that wouldnt normally be noticeable like my grandmother walking and talking; both of which she hasnt been able to do since october of lst year. I think when it happens the anti anxiety meds kinda kick into overdrive because i dont get panicky about it or anything i just feel really creeped out and cant really do anything about it. For the most part i feel like the medication is helping a lot i just I guess have to get used to the deja vu, dreams, and hyperactive fits. I also have to stick to my schedule and not miss doses. It helps alot that the pills are small, virtually tasteless, and easy to swallow. It doesn't help that since taking them my tastebuds feel kinda worn out and are really sensitive as well as the constant dry mouth and weird taste left in the morning after taking the night time meds. 

Captains Log 5/23/15

So today was actually a decent day .. Got outta bed and did laundry and baked .. Didn't feel tired all day like usual which is a good thing i suppose .. More energy today and i actually wanted to be around people for a change .. Might do so this weekend if i find a ride .. A lot of nervous energy and idk what to do with it so i feel kinda jittery/skittish .. No real appetite but hopefully it comes back soon ..

Captains Log 5/22/15

Day 8 .. Not feeling too bad today .. Still getting used to the constant sleepiness .. My appetite is back and my stomach isn't turning anymore .. Gotta try to incorporate me leaving the house to see if being around people helps my mood but i have to be careful because Miami is hot and one of these meds advises against being in the sun for fear of heat stroke .. I've REALLY been sorta craving hard liquor .. Not supposed to drink on these meds but i also been restless since i stopped drinking two weeks ago .. Might quench that craving this weekend idk yet .. Gonna go sleep off these meds and try to find something for dinner later

Captains Log 5/21/15

Today is day 7 of taking these meds to be "normal" .. I feel like absolute shit today. Nauseous, tired, weak, dehydrated, in pain, you name it .. Couldn't go to work today because i guess i over did it yesterday and my body is too weak for me to even get outta bed .. I've been in and outta sleep all day and i just feel like death .. Been feeling like I'm gonna cry for the past week and i cant so i just feel down without actually crying .. I need a hug but i feel if i got one i would probably break .. Like literally fall apart .. Thinking about canceling my weekend plans because A. No transportation and B. No energy .. I need more outlets and people who are willing to attempt to understand me because right now everyone is too busy as well as i don't like feeling like I'm annoying or pestering someone when i want/need to vent .. Having to take all these medications to function like everyone else feels like crap but it's crap i have to do so taylor has a chance to actually BE normal instead of having to fight for it .. Hoping something changes for the better sooner rather than later...

Captains Log 5/20/15

Okay so .. Today is day 6 .. Didn't feel as weak or tired today although at one point i did start zoning out at work .. Like literally blanking out and forgetting what i was doing .. I actually felt okay enough to go to work which i think was good for me .. But now I'm home and I'm drained and everything hurts .. Taylor is up so i cant take anything to make me sleep just yet .. I don't feel jittery but i do think either these antidepressants don't work or I'm defective because my depression levels have gone up instead of down .. Probably why I'm on two of them .. I don't feel weepy or anything more like "why am i here" .. I just feel blah .. Tired and wanna sleep and not wake up for a long time .. Might have to trick taylor into taking a nap because i need sleep