Captains Log 7/11/2016

So today is my 26th birthday .. im actually happy about it because i really almost didnt make it. Depression and anxiety were and still are some muthafuckas but my support system helped me make it through another year. It wasnt easy at all and their were PLENTY times i was ready to give up. I tried to tbh. But i guess its not in my life plan right now to not be here so i guess i'll stick around for a little while longer. Gonna enjoy the people who've stayed around for me and the ones who didnt really dont exist anymore. Sounds cold but my happiness and mental wellbeing > anything else. Not sure what im doing today but im gonna go get cute and try to make the best of it. ❤️

Captains Log 7/8/2016

i havent been here in a while because ive been consumed with trying to life life and be happy. I stopped taking my meds a few months back amd even tho i had withdrawals i was able to start feeling how i think normal should feel. Started datng Daryle and ive been in a state of bliss ever since. Even when im not he's in my corner cheering me on and morivating me. Making me feel capable of reaching any goal i set and overall just being the most amazing person i have ever met. I still had my days when life got me down and i still do but it hasnt felt as bad. Until now. In the past few days men and women who look like me were killed by police for trying to exist. Everyone is making excuses but thtas all it was.  They were killed for being black in America. The one that stuck out to me the most was the murder of a man name Philandro Castille. These bastards killed him for following their instructions and trying to get his wallet because "they thought he was reaching for a gun. (Sidenote: yes he had a gun. He also had a license to carry. He told the cop this beforehand. He did NOT reach for his gun he tried to to retreive his license as requested by police.compliance got him killed.) the thing about it thats fucking me up is this: he wasnt by himself. His girlfriend and her toddler were in the car. Police paid this no mind when they shot into the vehicle. They could have shot and killed that girls mother or even the little girl! She had to sit and watch the man she loves bleed to death and record it so that these crooked cops wouldnt lie about what happened. All i can think is that could have been us. That could be Taylor in danger of losing her life at 4 because a cop decided to harass and terrorize instead of serve and protect. Then that same baby was the one comforting her heartbroken mother and that broke me because taylor has had to do that often when i break down. At 4 years old my baby is already terrified of the police because she is afraid they will shoot her andkill me. These arent things she should have to worry about and it kills me that she isnt granted the privilege of being a child because of her skin color. Im seething w rage because it isnt fuckin fair. Why arent we allowed to live life? Why are we becoming hashtags daily? Wtf is so wrong w these muthafuckas that they see us and are so terrified they think we deserve death? Like this shit is so draining. I drink to numb myself to whats going on around me. I sleep all day because being awake hurts to much. I worry that the man i love will be stopped harassed and murdered simply he is a black my who doesnt deny his blackness. I fear that my child will me killed in the street and they will try to justify it even tho she's just a baby. I live in a state of constant terror. I cant even be around police too long or i have anxiety attacks and they might even use that as an excuse to kill me claiming they feared for their lives when im the one who is fearful and reacting to the trauma of watching people who look like me being slain and nothing is being done about it. I dont even feel like "Jesus" fucks with us as a people because if he did he would cover and protect us no? But the ones killing is are protected and covered and coincidentally pray to the same God As we do and apparently their prayers are heard over ours. Im tired frustrated fed up angry beaten down and dont know what else to do. Like i had enough to worry about before and now i have to worry about myself or someone i care about becoming the next name on the everlasting list of POC who died at the hands of police. The stress is literally killing me. I cant sleep i barely eat and im always one wrong word away from a mental breakdown. I didnt wanna be dependent on medication to function but it seems like thats now the only way other than just living in a bubble of ignorance which i refuse to do. I want my people safe. I also want to be in as healthy a mental state as possible because i cant help others when i dont help myself first. Im hoping and prayinv that tomorrow will be a better day but i see nothing but doom. Im not hopeful for the future because as a black woman i might just be denied a future because a cop thought i "look suspicious". I am tired. I am sick. I do not want to keep having to live like these walking on eggshells to make aure white people are comfortable. I want them to be as uncomfortable as we are every day. I watched two black men be shot and killed in a room full of white people. Their light conversations turned to complete silence. Like DEAD silence. They did everything they could to avoid eye contact and the few who didnt or couldnt looked absolutely terrified which is crazy to me because there were at least 10 of them there and only one of me and im a fairly small person. Even with those facts they were still scared of lil ol me because their actions and subsequent silence and their stance on the genocide of my people warrants violence. But im not a monster like them. I wont kill innocent people for how they look act their skin color. I just hopw that one day we can live and flourish and not be chopped down for being proud of our blackness. When i first became aware of this happening when Trayvon was killed i started to get worried about any future children i decided to have. I even started think that i wouldnt bring any other black child into this world because of how we are treated by those who are supposed to protect us. Then i realized something. That is exactly what these racist bastards want. The dont wanr more black and brown people. They want to exterminate us and we cant let it happen. We have to keep is alive. We deserve life and happinses just like everyone else and im FED UP. I just want us to like. My birthday is monday and i just wanna make it to 26 safe and sound. We shouldnt have to rejoice over seeing a new day.i just wanna know when it get better? When do WE get to win? I mean shit, we been taking hella Ls for decades. When do WE get to live this American dream? We just wanna live without becoming hashtags. Thats it. 

Captain's Log 1/28/2016

Ok so update .. My doctor started me on a new medication called straterra for my ADD/ADHD .. Its supposed to help me focus more but all its has been doing is making me sleepy .. Im hope that this is just a temporary side effect like how the other meds made me sleep all day in the beginning. This is my 5th day taking it and i dont feel as sleepy and my mind is a lot more clear which makes it easier to focus on what im doing .. Ive been feeling good for about the past week after my heart to heart w my best friend Daryle .. That convo has me looking at life and choices I've made differently as well as choices im going to make .. He's a really great person and im glad i can be so open and vulnerable w him without the fear that its gonna come back to haunt me. Its a much needed relief. .. Ive started trying to take my meds regularly since the doctor upped my dosage on everything so i hope they all work now. Ive also filed for disability benefits to kind help out right now financially while i get my head together and figure out what im going to do in the next few months when mommy moves .. Its kinda weird but lately ive been thinking a lot about getting married and having more kids and settling down into a career .. Im going to go back to school to complete my PA degree but in the meantime im going to go for business because i want to get into event and trip planning professionally .. Ive planned some trips and events before and they turned out well so i wanna start doing it for other people .. Hopefully w these new meds i can actually focus on school because being in a classroom has never been my strong point. Hopefully i can find the classes online because i do better learning at that slower pace .. Before i start on that im gonna start bettering myself. Im gonna start back working out on the 1st of February and doing yoga again. Daryle has agreed to workout with me and keep me accountable for doing my workouts and eating better. Im trying to get back to here

But i also wanna keep myself at 150 so im gonna start back drinking the whey protein shakes mixed w high protein boost since that helped w weight gain before so it should help me maintain my weight. I know i can get back to there if i stick to my workouts and yoga. I got to there in about a month (Shout out to muscle memory) so since ive gained weight in my stomach it should take maybe 2 months instead but i know it's doable. By my birthday my body should be where i want it to be and by tightening my stomach my stretch marks shouldnt show as much .. They dont show as much as they used to but i want them to fade some more or at least be attached to a fit toned body. Either or. The pain meds I'm taking for me knee and me being tired has my eyes crossing so im gonna try to get some sleep now .. Hoping i wake up in a good mood tomorrow so i can be productive

Captain's Log 1/18/2016

So update on the past couple months .. My meds seem to have completely stopped working outside of helping me sleep but they're also making me lethargic .. I thought the upped dosage would helped but it hasnt really done much so maybe my body is too used to the meds .. Ive had a few mild anxiety attacks which the meds are supposed to stop completely so i have to change those to something stronger .. Ive also been about as depressed as i was before i started treatment and its only seeming to get worse as time progresses .. Like i feel im getting worse instead of better and not having a job to distract me from it isnt really helping my cause at all .. Ive also started seriously dating which has been a little difficult only because i feel like in the past few months he's only seen me down and not very happy so idk how thats gonna go .. I mean he's been great and very supportive and caring even without knowing everything im dealing with so maybe once i finally do share this blog w him it might help him understand me a little better .. I also have to start being more open with him because i upset him a few days ago unintentionally by now telling something about myself that he felt he should have known from before .. I didnt really get why it upset him at first because i figured its still stuff about him that i dont know but then at the same if we actually trying to build a relationship i should be just as open and honest w him as I expect/want him to be with me whether i think its good or bad so i guess when we both have the time we can sit and talk about everything .. Thinking about it now, as supportive of me as he's been so far, i should WANT to be completely open w him its just some walls i gotta let down because being so completely guarded not gonna work out in my favor .. Its scary but this is something i want to work out so i guess it's something i have to do .. Maybe being more open w him might make it easier for both of us especially if there's anything going on w either of us .. I gotta start taking my own advice and get better w communication if i really want this relationship to flourish like i think it can .. Hopefully everything starts to work out from this to being better mentally to finding a new job .. I wanna do better this year for myself both with and without help in all aspects of my life .. I just have to figure out where to start.

Captain's Log 10/19/2015

So the past couple days have been a little better .. I don't feel as defeated or drained .. I have been more anxious but thats because I'm trying to find a new apartment by the end of the month and my options are dwindling.. Hopefully everything pans out by next week but i'm trying not to stress it too much. Im hoping nothing too stressful happens between now and my appointment in two weeks but with the moving i know something is bound to happen. Fingers crossed and prayers up for smooth sailing .. Ive also recently started gaining weight .. Like a lot in the past few months .. I jumped from a size 1 to an 11 and i weigh between 140-150 .. I never even weight this much pregnant and im having trouble managing the weight .. Maybe once i move i can find a gym or someone to workout with .. Hopefully i dont gain anymore because i hate buying new clothes .. Prolly gonna have to give most of my stuff to goodwill since i can't fit them anymore.. Oh well

Captain's Log 10/14/2015

So im thinking i need to take some sort of break from life .. Like even a weekend will do i just need some actual time for myself where im not obligated to do anything. Not wake up not take care of anybody not answer my phone. Just 3 days to myself to decompress .. Im tired and worn out. Im stressed out. My medication doesnt even feel like its working anymore. Im almost as depressed as i was before i got help and its only seeming to get worse and idk what to do anymore .. I dont really feel like i have anyone i can really talk to like before because everyone has life going on same as me so i cant expect them to make time for me. Wouldnt really be fair to expect that at all tbh. Just wish i didnt feel so alone and helpless all the damn time so i could try to mange everything better .. On top of that i have to still do the whole pretending im fine thing in front of everybody because they make it so uncomfortable to talk about the fact that something is wrong. The only "help" anybody wants to offer is "just pray about it" 😒 .. I dont even justify it w a response anymore .. Im probably gonna have to get on stronger anti depressants AGAIN because nothing seems to be working. I honestly dk why I'm still here. Im tired and i don't want to be. I wanna be/get better but i don't see it happening and it sucks.

Captains Log 8/5/2015

Ok so today was a better day. Im on and off w taking my medication but I'm more on than off so i guess thats a good thing. I go back to see Dr. Roberts Monday and i think i might need her to up my dosage because they seem to be plateauing. Im gonna take a break soon from everything because I've been overwhelmed trying to keep face around everyone at home and work so people wont keep asking me what's wrong. I think i just need some me time .. I really need a break or a vacation but that will come later .. I had plans but I probably need to cancel those and start over because i feel like I'm wasting my time and nothing is happening to show me that I'm not. Kinda sucks because i was hoping that it would help change stuff for the better even just for a little while but i guess i was wrong. Oh well. Cant win em all.