Captain's Log 10/19/2015

So the past couple days have been a little better .. I don't feel as defeated or drained .. I have been more anxious but thats because I'm trying to find a new apartment by the end of the month and my options are dwindling.. Hopefully everything pans out by next week but i'm trying not to stress it too much. Im hoping nothing too stressful happens between now and my appointment in two weeks but with the moving i know something is bound to happen. Fingers crossed and prayers up for smooth sailing .. Ive also recently started gaining weight .. Like a lot in the past few months .. I jumped from a size 1 to an 11 and i weigh between 140-150 .. I never even weight this much pregnant and im having trouble managing the weight .. Maybe once i move i can find a gym or someone to workout with .. Hopefully i dont gain anymore because i hate buying new clothes .. Prolly gonna have to give most of my stuff to goodwill since i can't fit them anymore.. Oh well

Captain's Log 10/14/2015

So im thinking i need to take some sort of break from life .. Like even a weekend will do i just need some actual time for myself where im not obligated to do anything. Not wake up not take care of anybody not answer my phone. Just 3 days to myself to decompress .. Im tired and worn out. Im stressed out. My medication doesnt even feel like its working anymore. Im almost as depressed as i was before i got help and its only seeming to get worse and idk what to do anymore .. I dont really feel like i have anyone i can really talk to like before because everyone has life going on same as me so i cant expect them to make time for me. Wouldnt really be fair to expect that at all tbh. Just wish i didnt feel so alone and helpless all the damn time so i could try to mange everything better .. On top of that i have to still do the whole pretending im fine thing in front of everybody because they make it so uncomfortable to talk about the fact that something is wrong. The only "help" anybody wants to offer is "just pray about it" 😒 .. I dont even justify it w a response anymore .. Im probably gonna have to get on stronger anti depressants AGAIN because nothing seems to be working. I honestly dk why I'm still here. Im tired and i don't want to be. I wanna be/get better but i don't see it happening and it sucks.

Captains Log 8/5/2015

Ok so today was a better day. Im on and off w taking my medication but I'm more on than off so i guess thats a good thing. I go back to see Dr. Roberts Monday and i think i might need her to up my dosage because they seem to be plateauing. Im gonna take a break soon from everything because I've been overwhelmed trying to keep face around everyone at home and work so people wont keep asking me what's wrong. I think i just need some me time .. I really need a break or a vacation but that will come later .. I had plans but I probably need to cancel those and start over because i feel like I'm wasting my time and nothing is happening to show me that I'm not. Kinda sucks because i was hoping that it would help change stuff for the better even just for a little while but i guess i was wrong. Oh well. Cant win em all. 

Captains Log 8/3/2015

Today wasn't a very good day .. Ive been feeling depressed for a few days now but it really hit me hard today .. I think its because it finally registered that no matter how optimistic i try to be and even if i take these pills that are supposed to make me "ok" and "normal" that it'll never work. I'll always be this way i'll always be crazy and the ppl i want to be understanding of it wont and i'll always be alone. Like i haven't even told Ana or Debbie anything because i don't wanna lose my friends .. I really feel like im trapped in my head and nobody can help me and it sucks because all i want is just for somebody anybody to understand me and why I operate the way i do and help me to understand it because i don't. I really don't know what to do ...

Captains Log 7/31/15

Havent posted on here in a while .. I started back taking my medication once i figured out that it was the Vicodin i was taking for knee pain was what was causing the negative reactions.. I can still take the Tramadol since that doesn't have adverse effects but i haven't needed it in a while which is very good .. The anxiety meds have been working overtime and I'm thankful for that .. The antidepressants are sort of working too .. I say sort of because i don't feel "depressed" but i still have certain habits that i cant change like the wanting to be alone or in bed all day in the dark .. Not because I'm sad but because the medication still makes me really sleepy .. Im doing better at work I've been here a month and a half w no issues so thats a big improvement only issue i have is not being able to focus so I'm going to see what can be done about that .. The schizophrenia meds may need to be upped .. Im not sure if its because i missed a few doses or if i need a stronger dose because i don't see the little boy at my grandmas house anymore but i did see a man a few weeks ago who "wasn't there" .. I slept over a friends house after a party because i drank too much to drive home .. Woke up and had to use the bathroom and when i got out i thought my friend was standing in the hallway but for some reason i couldn't walk around him .. Asked what was up and he answered from his room; not in front of me where i was seeing him .. Rubbed my eyes and the person was gone. Thats been creeping me out for a while because I've only seen the little boy before never an adult and something about him was very dark and made me uneasy .. The little boy never really bothered me i would just see him running through the house like he's running to or away from something or someone but he's always in a hurry .. I haven't seen the man since that day but I'm starting to wonder if thats who the little boy is always running from .. Also if thats the case why did the man block my path when I've never actually interacted w the little boy? Only Taylor has gotten him to interact w her. She's sat and played w him many times according her .. She could just be making it up but its a little too coincidental that she's making up the same little boy I'm seeing and that my mom and gramma have seen as well .. 

62415

Stopped taking my meds. I feel ridiculous as fuck having to take multiple drugs all day every day just to be "normal". Still dont know what tf "normal" is supposed to feel like.just want to crawl into bed and sleep forver. Im tired im drained im exhausted. Just existing is wearing me out on top of working and taylor and everything else i have to do. Im tired

62215

Imnot sure if it's my psych meds interacting w my pain meds but im not ok. I feel off. Destructive. I dont wanna be here right now but ihave so much i have to do. Been having thoughts of walking into traffic and driving off a bridgefor the past couple days. Idk whats causing it but i dont feel ok like i should. Something is wrong and idk ehat it is.